Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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