The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
