In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
whose parrot is this?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
