When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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