my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He felt like a one man threesome
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
