I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize