I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize