I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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