Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
