Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i will never coherently bang her
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
