woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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