A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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