I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
