Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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