I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
