Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
