Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
