i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
