let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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