I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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