I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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