So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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