Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
