i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
