Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
