She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
