i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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