If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
