I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
