so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
