I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
