This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
