I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
