my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he shaved USA in his pubs
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
