I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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