Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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