she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
