he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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