I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
