K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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