bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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