I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
