You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
