We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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