I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize