what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
