i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
