he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
