Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
