i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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