You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
