he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
