Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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