Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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