just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
