If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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