3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
