Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
