just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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